Something More
by Messr Padfoot Black
Summary: Sirius made a mistake. A big, HUGE, ridiculous mistake. He should never had told James how he really felt. He should never have admitted that he had feelings for him! Could James ever forgive him? Could their friendship ever go back to normal? Or maybe... just maybe, their friendship could turn into... something more? Maybe even love? SLASH, James/Sirius
1. Chapter 1: Sirius

**Something More**

**Pairing:** Sirius/James

**Rating:** Mature

**Summary:** Sirius made a mistake last term. Could James forgive him? What if Sirius makes an even bigger mistake?

Could their innocent friendship ever turn into something more? Something like... love?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter (That belongs to the wonderful JK Rowling) nor do I own the characters/places/events/etc.

He had been avoiding me all summer, I just knew it. I hadn't seen him, hadn't even received a letter for the past three months. Why had I been so stupid? Why did I have to screw up so bad?

I was so nervous as I ran through the barrier of platform 9 3/4. What if he told everyone? Worse, what if he hated me? I clutched tightly to the handle of my trunk. I couldn't see him through the crowd of people and for a split second I wondered if maybe something happened to him. Maybe he was so disgusted by me he wasn't going to come back to school.

I climbed onto the train and sat down in an empty compartment. I tried to slow my heart down. I had been so focused on how nervous I was to see him that I had never even considered him not showing up. Ugh. Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did I have to screw up so bad?

I sat staring out the window, completely lost in thought. I watched as all the excited students bustled onto the train. I watched loving parents give tight hugs to squirming children. I watched as nervous first years began to make friends. I can't believe that was James, Remus, and I only four years ago. They all looked so young.

I still didn't spot either of my friends. Maybe James already told Remus what happened and now they both just hated me. Maybe-

The compartment door slid open, interrupting my thoughts.

"Oh! There you are!" His blue eyes seemed to sparkle when he spoke.

I faked a nervous smile.

"I was looking for you." He continued quietly. He slid the door shut behind him and sat down directly across from me.

"I haven't heard from you…" I avoided eye contact while trying to remember to breathe.

"I'm sorry."

"Do you hate me?" I blurted out.

"Of course not!" James smiled. "I… I don't- It's just-" He stuttered.

"It's ok." I assured him quietly.

"I'm… Straight." He finally got out. "I'm sorry."

I forced an awkward laugh. "You shouldn't be sorry for that."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah. I do. And I'm sorry."

"For what?" He asked. "Being honest with me?"

"For feeling the way I do."

"You can't control that."

"Fine. For putting you in that awkward situation."

"It's ok. I'm just… I'm sorry I don't reciprocate."

I shook my head. "Don't be."

"I really love you, Sirius, just not… that way."

That hurt more to hear, somehow. Luckily, I didn't have to respond as the compartment door slid open again.

"Remus!" James greeted his friend with a smile."

"There you guys are! Been looking all over for you." Remus sat down next to me and I tried to act like my heart hadn't just been crushed to pieces.

"How was your summer?" I asked him.

"Ugh," he groaned. "Way too long. My mom has been talking to doctors all last year trying to find ways to alleviate my problem." He emphasized that last word and we both knew he meant his werewolf problem.

"Any luck?" James asked.

"Of course not! But I spent the entire summer trying different cold cabbage soups and weird lotions."

James and I both made a face.

"Exactly." Remus sighed. "Thank god we're back to school today."

"Have to agree with you there." James laughed. "Got to tell ya, I love my little sisters and all but I am very tired of being used as a built in babysitter…"

James has four younger sisters and his parents just divorced last year. Since his dad is now completely out of the picture, James' mom is working more than ever to support all her kids. This of course means that James, being the oldest and most responsible, is put in charge a lot of the time.

"How old are they now James?" Remus asked.

"8, 5, 3, and Nessa will be a year in October."

Wow. That sure is a handful."

"Yeah. You're telling me. School is a welcome change."

"What about you Sirius? Did you have a good summer?"

"With my family?" I laughed. "You have got to be kidding."

I just pushed all thoughts of James out of my mind. I had to. I tried, he said he wasn't interested. Now I had to let things go back to normal. I just had to.

Please Read/review and tell me what you think! :D


	2. Chapter 2: James

I had spent the entire summer arguing with myself. When Sirius told me he might be gay, I had absolutely no problem with that. I didn't think there was anything wrong with gay people- they were just like everyone else. But I wasn't prepared for what he was going to say next.

"I've just, really wondered what it would be like to… to… kiss you." His words were so faint I wasn't even sure I had heard him correctly. I hadn't expected that. I didn't even know hot to react to that.

Those words just repeated in my mind over and over the entire summer. I wasn't gay. There was no way! But how am I supposed to let my friend down easy?

Unless… I did feel that way?

No. Of course not. I was straight. The only reason I was only questioning was because he was my best friend. I had feelings for him, but not feelings like that.

I wasn't really sure how to act around him anymore. I didn't know what he thought of me anymore. It just… made me a bit uncomfortable? I don't know.

"We're almost at Hogwarts." Remus announced as he came back to the compartment after finding the snack trolley and buying himself a couple of chocolate frogs. "We should change into our robes." Remus dug into his trunk and pulled out his robes. He pulled off his clothes without even thinking twice, changing right in front of Sirius and me like every other year since we were eleven. It was no big deal. Not to him.

I hesitantly pulled my robes out of my trunk. "I uh… I have to use the bathroom. I'll be right back." I took my robes with me as I went to find the bathroom. I don't know why I had to make it so awkward. I just didn't like the idea that he was… looking at me. I didn't want to know what he was thinking about me. I didn't want to know he was watching me change. I didn't want to know he was thinking about me in that way. I don't know why he had to change everything. Everything was fine before.

I changed quickly and then headed back to the compartment.

"What was that all about?" Remus raised his eyebrow, glancing from me, then to Sirius, and back again.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"We've changed in front of each other since we were first years and yet this year you awkwardly take your robes into the bathroom and Sirius attempts to put on his robes and then take off his clothes. What is going on you guys?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sirius said too quickly, shoving his clothes into his trunk and sitting back down. "You're losing it Remi, maybe it is all that cold cabbage soup." We all laughed and all was forgotten.

When we got to Hogwarts, we all filed into the Great Hall for the sorting ceremony and feast. Sirius sat down, and Remus next to him. I quickly took the seat next to Remus, needing to put a little bit of space between me and Sirius. It's not like I though the would try something, I mean we were in public. I just felt so awkward trying to make conversation with him right now. I was very thankful for our Remus-buffer.

I didn't pay much attention to the sorting, but the feast was good. As always. It wasn't long before we were all heading up to bed.

Sirius tried to act normal, I could tell, but he looked so miserable. Was this my fault? I mean I didn't really think it was my fault for not being attracted to him the way he is to me, but was there some way I could have let him down a little less harshly? Yeah. Of course there was. I could have not tried to put it off so long and actually sent him a letter or something over the summer. Man I was an awful person.

Exhausted, I crashed down onto my bed in the boy's dormitory.

"Night James." Remus said through a yawn. "Night Siri."

"Night Remi." Sirius laughed.

"Night." I said to no one in particular.

"Night, James." Sirius whispered. I wasn't sure if he whispered it in a loving way, or just an awkward way. I decided to just not respond. That was easier.

* * *

Please read/review :D


	3. Chapter 3: Sirius

So for the entire first week of classes, James seemed to avoid me. Usually we walk to and from classes together, we hang out between classes, at meal times, and after classes. We used to be basically inseparable. Now it feels like I hardly ever see him. He comes to class late and usually just sits near the back. When I confronted him about it, he shrugged and told me that he has been super busy with Quidditch practises lately and he likes to just sit in the back as to not interrupt.

Bullshit.

Remus has been sort of floating between the two of us, not even seeming to realize that we are spending less and less time together. James is always either practising for Quidditch or telling me he is busy studying. Once when he told me that I went to look for him in the Library to ask him if he wanted to make a trip down to Hogsmeade to get some butterbeer and he wasn't there.

I am beginning to think he must really hate me.

Alright so maybe I was overreacting a little. Once the Quidditch seasons actually started, I attended all the games to cheer Gryffindor on. I could really see the improvement in the team, so maybe James was actually practising. After a couple weeks he started to get to class on time and sat in his usual spot beside me. Maybe I was just reading too much into it.

"Sirius, did you finish your History of Magic homework?" Remus asked me when he and James walked into the common room after dinner. I was sitting at a table with all my books and things out, but I was just doodling on a spare bit of parchment.

"What do you think?" I asked him with a grin.

"Professor Binns wants it finished by tomorrow." He reminded me. "He's not going to be happy if you're late. Again."

I groaned and pulled out my parchment. "How long did he say he wanted it?"

"Three feet." Remus told me, pulling up a chair across from me. James sat down in a chair next to me, his arm accidentally brushing against mine. My heart jumped.

"Remus was getting on my ass about getting it done too," James pretended to whisper to me. "So I'm 'finished'" He used air quotations. "But not really." He mouthed.

I laughed and Remus rolled his eyes at us. "Honestly you two… If you would just care a little bit more about your school work you may actually be able to pass."

"Hey!" James and I protested.

"We've never failed a class!" James told him.

"Yeah!" I backed him up. "I mean… I was pretty close with my potion's last year… but I still passed!"

Remus laughed. "You better get on that History of Magic homework though. I wrote almost four feet but it took me an entire afternoon. There is no way you guys are going to be finished in time."

"Says you," James mumbled, pulling out his own parchment and measuring it. "Hey!" He brightened up. "I've got almost two feet already!"

"No way," I pulled the measuring tape from his hands. "I'm barely at a foot."

"Just get to work, would you?" Remus sighed before leaving the table.

James laughed. "So what have you already written about? If we combine what we both have we should be able to hit three feet."

I laughed and read him what I had already written.

The next day was Friday and after History of Magic class (Which for the record, both me and James were able to hand in our homework.), James caught up with me in the hall. "Hey, it's beautiful out. Want to go for a walk down by the lake?"

I tried not to read more into that then he meant by it, but I still got a little excited as I nodded and followed him outside.

"When is the next full moon, Padfoot?" James asked as we took a lesser used path down by the lake. There were many students sprawled out in the Autumn sun down by the lake. Some were reading books or doing homework, but most were just chatting with friends.

"I think next weekend." I told James. "Why?"

"Just anxious for a trip out, I suppose. I've been so busy lately."

"I've noticed." I whispered.

"I wasn't avoiding you." James whispered back.

"No?"

"No! Well… not really. I guess I was a little bit awkward about the whole situation, you know? But it's over now. We can just put it behind us. Right?"

"Right."

"That isn't to say you can't… you know… talk to me about stuff. You're my best friend. I'm still here for you."

I nodded but didn't say anything. I wasn't sure what I should say.

"Right. Well. Anyway. I'm itching to get out of this place, so-"

"Already?" I laughed as I interrupted him. "You were so anxious to get here not even a month ago!"

James laughed. "Well you know me. I can stay in one place very long."

"You want to sneak out tonight?" I asked, having a pretty good idea of what he was getting at.

"Yeah, you up for it?"

"You bet. I could really use a cup of butterbeer. You let Moony know?"

"Not yet, but I'll talk to him tonight. Meet you at the three broomsticks at… oh… say eight?"

"Sounds like a plan to me." I smiled.

"Awesome. I should get back to the castle. I'm pretty sure Quidditch practise was scheduled for this afternoon and I'm really hoping it will be finished before dinner time. Guess I better not be late then, eh?"

I laughed as James ran off back to the castle.

So he didn't hate me.

* * *

Next chapter gets juicy! Please read/review :D


	4. Chapter 4: James

Thanks for the reviews! Please continue to let me know what you think :D

* * *

"You up for it then?" I asked Remus as I sat down across from him at his table in the library.

"I don't know, James. I still have to get through this Herbology essay and then I have an entire potions write up and a astronomy paper to write. I just don't think I have the time."

I groaned. "Come on." I whined. "It'll just be for a few hours. You have all weekend to get your homework done."

"James I don't have time tonight I-"

"Remus why don't you have any fun anymore? It's Friday night! Enjoy it!"

"Next weekend is the moon." He whispered to me angrily. "I need to get caught up on all this homework now, because by the end of the week I will feel too sick to do anything."

I groaned again and left the table. With Remus ditching us, it was going to be just me and Sirius tonight.

I wasn't sure if I was ready for that.

I couldn't blow him off so at eight o'clock I was sitting at a table in the Three Broomsticks, sipping on a hot mug of butterbeer.

"Hey!" Sirius smiled at me as he sat down next to me.

I forced a smile back.

"Remus didn't come?"

I shook my head and swallowed my butterbeer. "He said he was too busy with homework." I rolled my eyes to show him how much I agreed with this excuse.

Sirius just laughed. "Man is it ever nice to get out of the castle."

"Weren't you just laughing at me for saying that?" I laughed.

"No, I was laughing at you because you were so happy to be back at school!"

"But you said you were happy to be back too!"

"I said I was happy to be out of my house and away from my family. I never said anything about being 'happy' to be at school."

We finished our butterbeer while trying to keep the small talk flowing.

"Let's get out of here." I suggested after we were finished. The Three Broomsticks was starting to feel crowded.

The night air was crisp and cool and it was a welcome change after the stuffy pub air.

"Where do you want to go?" Sirius asked me.

"I don't know. I don't care. I just want to be away from the castle for a while."

"Moon is next weekend, maybe we should check the shack and make sure everything is ready?"

"Good idea." I smiled and we headed down the street to the dilapidated old shack that was supposedly haunted. Sirius and I knew the truth of course.

After checking to make sure no one was watching us, Sirius gave me a boost over the fence. His hand lingered a little too long on my ass, making me feel a bit uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything. I jumped over and then helped pull him up and over the fence.

"No one saw us, right?" He whispered, huddling in close to me as we snuck along in the shadows.

"I don't think so." I told him. I felt odd having him that close to me. I wondered what he was thinking about the idea, if he enjoyed it or if- I was being ridiculous. We had always been like this. Last year I wouldn't have thought twice about any of this. Why was I letting this information change our relationship? I didn't want it to change.

We reached the shack and Sirius opened the door for me. I went inside and he followed.

It looked mostly as we had left it. There were still a few couches and chairs, although most of them were pretty tore up. There was a fine layer of dust over everything from it not having any visitors over the whole summer.

"Dirty." Sirius wrinkled his nose.

"What did you expect?" I laughed, collapsing down on a couch that was covered in a white sheet. The dust sprayed up around me, making me sneeze. Sirius laughed and sat down beside me. I put my legs up over his lap, lying against the arm rest. I was determined for our relationship not to change, and this is how I would have sat last year without even thinking about it.

"Ah. Even though this place is dirty and smells faintly of mold, I still love it here." I told him.

"Yeah? How come?"

"I loving having a place where we can sort of get away, you know? I love that only the three of us really know about it and that the whopping willow blocks it from the rest of the school. Everyone is Hogsmeade is way too afraid to ever come near here. It's like it's private. It's like we have our own little place, ya know?"

"Yeah, Sirius smiled. "I get it. It is nice." His hand rested down on my leg and lightly slid down my thigh a bit. Was he doing that on purpose?

Worse… did I like it?

* * *

Please remember to leave your thoughts/comments/likes/dislikes/etc in the little box below :)


	5. Chapter 5: Sirius

When I first told James about my attraction for him, I sort of had it built up in my head that he was going to tell me that he loved me back. It all sounds so stupid and ridiculous now, but back when any thoughts of James knowing about my love for him were complete fantasy, I ruled how things worked out. After months of agonizing over whether my feelings were real or not, and then how I could tell him, I never really considered being turned down. I had all sorts of fantasies in my head where I told James I might have feelings for him and he just turned to me and smiled and said "Me too" and we kissed as the sunsets over the perfect mountain landscape and rainbows dance in the sky and angels sing and…

Yeah. It was ridiculous. I get that. I just spent so much time imagining it that when that conversation didn't go as planned at all, I was shocked at hurt.

Stupid, stupid me.

Sitting there with James in the shrieking shack just got me thinking again. What if James did have feelings for me but he wasn't ready to face them? We're best friends, James has told me himself that he loves me. What if he is just afraid? Afraid of admitting he is gay, afraid of the repercussions that could mean for him. What if…

Yes I know.

I am completely stuck in this fantasy world.

It's silly.

Stupid.

But…

What if I could just show him it's ok? Or… if he would just let me kiss him once, maybe he would feel the same things? Maybe he would feel the same way he just needs to give it chance? Maybe…

So my hand rested on his inner thigh.

I mean, he isn't going to respond to me if he doesn't have some sort of feelings for me, right? And maybe if he just gave me a chance…

God I sound like a lunatic rapist.

But my feelings were getting the bets of me.

He didn't say anything about my hand, that was resting on his inner thigh not far about his knee. I tried to make it seem completely nonchalant. He is the one that sat on me after all.

"I'm sort of excited for the moon to be honest with you." I tried to keep the conversation going so he might not notice what I was doing.

"Yeah? Me too." James told me. His voice seemed strange somehow. I know he noticed my hand, but he wasn't sure if it was more awkward to say something about it or try and ignore it.

"Yeah I mean it's been so long since the three of us have been able to go out like that. And while I was at home I wasn't able to change at all. Couldn't risk my mother finding out I had illegally become an animagi."I laughed. "She would probably shoot me."

"Yeah I haven't been able to change either." James told me. "My sisters were constantly around and- I didn't want them to know what a bad kid I was at school."

He stuttered a bit as I moved my hand up his thigh. I could see his pants getting a little bigger. He liked this. I knew he would.

"Yeah, I guess you still have to make a good impression for them, huh?" My voice got lower without me even meaning for it to.

James just nodded. I could hear his breathing getting harder. My hand move another half an inch up.

"Summer was so boring without you…" I murmured. "I hate having to spend so much time with my family. They drive me crazy."

"Babysitting. All summer…" His sentences were short and quiet.

"Yeah. I know. Could have helped you out or something though." My words were slow as I moved my hand gently across his bulge.

He gulped loudly.

"I just missed you is all." I murmured. I didn't want to turn the conversation into one about his sisters. "I'm used to spending pretty much all summer with you. At your house. Doing basically nothing."

Each new sentence I moved my hand across his cock again.

I tried to keep eye contact, but he wasn't looking at me. All his concentration was on my hand. I wasn't sure what to do. On one hand, I felt incredibly guilty that I was trying to persuade him into being with my by basically raping him… on the other hand, it felt so good to be touching his hard cock and he really seemed to be enjoying it…

Being the horny teenager I am, my emotions, hormones, and desires got the better of me.

My hand started moving a bit harder across his jeans. He still wasn't saying anything to me. He was just staring at my hand movements, his breathing hoarse and heavy. He was biting his bottom lip and it just made him look so hot.

I didn't speed up. I kept my movements extremely slow. He could stop me if he wanted to, I reasoned to myself.

His hands didn't move though. He didn't try and stop me.

I could feel he was extremely hard under his jeans. He was liking this. He had to be.

I tried not to get my hopes up too much. Really, it's only pleasure, right? Even if he is getting hard for me, it doesn't necessarily mean he has any kind of feelings for me. He could just enjoy the stimulation…

But even so.

* * *

Please let me know what you think :)


	6. Chapter 6: James

His hand just kept moving. At first, I wanted to stop him, I really did. It seemed so awkward though, you know?

Then it just started to… feel so good.

What did that mean? Did that mean I was gay? Did that mean I had feelings for him? Did that mean I wasn't straight?

At that exact moment, it really didn't matter.

I grabbed his hand that was moving oh so slow and pressed my crotch hard against it. A moan escaped my lips.

Within moments of this happened, Sirius was unzipping my jeans. This reaction seemed to be all he needed to decide I was into this as much as he was.

I felt incredibly awkward as he slid his hands down my pants. But than his rough hands rubbed against my hard cock and I didn't care anymore. He moved a little so that he was sitting further up on the couch, meaning I was sitting basically on his lap. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate, but it was no use.

I was a teenage boy getting my cock rubbed. I couldn't just push him away and leave, like come on!

So I let him continue. I tried to keep my breathing steady, but that was really hard. His hands rubbed ever so gently. I just wanted it harder. I thrust my hips into his hand and he responded almost immediately. He pulled my jeans down further and pulled my cock out of the top of my boxers. He gasped when he saw it, which I took as a good sign.

He continued to rub his hand over it; up and down and up and down and up and down and oh my god that feels good.

My hips were thrusting without my control anymore. I felt a moan escape my lips. With a gasp and a final thrust I came. Semen squirted all over his hand and his pants, but he didn't seem to mind. He had a huge grin plastered over his face. He seemed very proud of himself.

For the first time I noticed that his cock was poking me in the side.

It was feeling his erection that really panicked me.

I jumped off of him, still panting, and pulled my jeans back on.

"I err… I have to…" I didn't even completely my sentence before I was running through the passage back to the school.

What had I just done?

What did it mean?

Why isn't there anyone I can talk to about this?

When I got back to the school, I didn't know where to go. One one hand I really wanted to go talk to Remus about what had just happened, but I was way to embarrassed to actually say the words out loud. I didn't want to go back to the boy's dormitory, he would find me there. Plus Remus would be there. He would ask me what's wrong. I'm sure I don't look like myself right now. How could I? I just got jerked off by a boy.

I ran up the stairs to the seventh floor and paced in front of the room of requirement. The door appeared and I quickly went inside, locking the door behind me.

The room was small, with a soft plush couch in the middle of it. Beside the couch was a small glass coffee table with a bottle of fire whiskey. The room always knew just what I needed.

I poured myself a glass and sat down on the couch. What had just happened? Was I ok with what had just happened? It felt really good. I mean, I really enjoyed it! What does that mean about me?

But it feels good when I touch myself too, that doesn't mean I am romantically attracted to myself.

It wasn't much different than masturbating, right? I mean… I shouldn't have played with his emotions the way I did but… just because I enjoyed it doesn't make me gay. I'm not gay.

I like girls.

I felt guilty for what I had done, but deciding right then that I wasn't gay made me feel a lot better about myself.

Realizing that the stress involved with questioning my sexuality was probably only a tenth of what Sirius was feeling made me feel guilty again.

I downed the cup of fire whiskey and poured myself another.

* * *

Let me know what you think! :D


	7. Chapter 7: Sirius

"Oh my god what have I done?" I cried out loud to no one. I sat in the shack, knees pulled up to my chest, sobbing. I had ruined my friendship. I had screwed everything up. I had basically just raped my best friend!

I hoped more than anything that he didn't see it like that. He hadn't tried to stop me. He didn't say no!

But he didn't say yes either.

I couldn't bring myself to follow him, so I just sat there, curled up on the ratty old couch, shaking with sobs.

Did he hate me? Probably. Would he ever talk to me again? I hoped so. What was he thinking about right now? Ugh I wish I could just talk to him. Apologize. Something.

More than that… I wish I could do it again.

It was nearing one in the morning when I made my way back up through the tunnel and into the castle. Being on the castle grounds at one a.m. without an invisibility cloak probably wasn't up there with the best ideas, but luckily, I didn't get caught. James had the Marauders' map and neither of us had thought to bring the invisibility cloak. I snuck around dark corners and deserted passages ways until I got back to the common room. It was Friday night, so I wasn't surprised to find a few students still up chatting in the common room. The fire was dim and the chatter was quiet. I didn't say a word to anyone as I walked straight through the common room and up to the boys' dormitory. Remus was asleep; I could hear him snoring the minute I walked in. James's bed was empty.

Where was he? Was he still avoiding me?

Oh my god what if he didn't make it back to the castle? What if something happened to him or what if he got caught and got into trouble? It would be all my fault!

No. He had the map. He probably is just avoiding me.

Not that that was any better.

I crawled in my bed and tried to fall asleep.

James didn't come back to the dormitory that night.

The next morning Remus was up before I was. He was studying in the common room when I made my way downstairs. "Morning." I mumbled, still have asleep. Still miserable.

"Good morning Sirius. 'Bout time you got up."

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Almost noon. You completely missed breakfast."

I groaned. "I'm heading down for some lunch then. I'm starving. Are you coming?"

"Yeah sure." He closed his books and followed me through the portrait of the fat lady. "Hey, have you seen James at all? He must have got up before me because he wasn't in the dormitory this morning."

"Nope. Haven't seen him."

"Strange. Didn't you guys go out to Hogsmeade last night?"

"Uh… yeah."

"What did you guys do?"

"Not much." I said a little too quickly.

"Oh… kay…" Remus looked suspicious.

The Great Hall was pretty empty considering it was almost noon. I automatically scanned the room for James. He wasn't there.

"Oh fantastic! Roast beef sandwiches!" Remus sat down and dug right in, but i didn't have much of an apatite. I was hoping I would find James here, but no such luck.

There wasn't Quidditch practise today, was there?

Maybe he was in the library?

Then it hit me. I knew where he was. The same place I would go if something like this happened to me. The place both of us always go when we need to think.

"Hey I just remembered I forgot something in the…" I didn't finish my sentence I just jumped up from the table and ran off, leaving a bewildered Remus behind.

I was panting by the time I reached the seventh floor. I had sprinted up the entire seven staircases.

I walked down the corridor with the room of requirement and paced back and forth.

No door appeared.

Damn it, he locked it!

I started banging on the wall where I knew the door should appear. I hadn't a clue if you could hear that from inside the room, but it was worth a shot, right?

"Please, open up! I just want to talk! Please! Just talk to me!"


	8. Chapter 8: James

I woke with a start to a loud banging noise. I wasn't sure what it was, but it seemed to be coming from the door.

Curious, I walked over there to inspect it. All I could hear was banging. What was that? I thought about opening the door to find out, but if it was a professor or a student who didn't know about the room, I didn't want to give away the location.

I remembered I had the Marauders' map and grabbed it from the floor where I had dropped it the night before. I found my location on the map and almost on top of me on the map was a small dot labeled 'Sirius Black'.

I hesitated. I wasn't gay. I had decided that last night. I wasn't gay. I had enjoyed the hand job because it was stimulation not much different than masturbation. Anyone could have done it and I probably would have enjoyed it. I couldn't let that get to me. I felt bad for leading Sirius in the wrong direction though but I also wasn't sure I was ready to talk to him.

What would he say to me? What was he thinking?

Ugh. I had to talk to him.

I slowly unlocked the door and opened it just a tiny bit. Sirius was standing right on the other side and I could see the tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I just want… want to talk to you." He whispered.

I nodded and opened the door wide enough for him to come in. He followed me in and shut and locked the door behind him.

"I am so sorry." He whispered as I sat down on the couch. He stood awkwardly in front of me.

"Sit down, Sirius."

He nodded and sat as far from me as possible.

"I'm not… I just… I don't…" I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling to him.

"Do you feel like I raped you?" He asked me quietly.

"What!?" I exclaimed loudly. Is that really what he was thinking? "No! Of course not. I feel like I'm taking advantage of you!"

"What are you talking about?" Sirius looked shocked.

"I led you on! I let you believe… but I'm not. Nothing change. I just… reacted. I can't control that. I just-"

"I understand." Sirius told me. "Really."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded.

"But I thought you would think… that maybe I was… I don't know… attracted to you… since I…"

"No. Of course you responded. It wasn't much different than masturbation, right?"

I nodded. That was what I had been telling myself.

"Just… don't worry about it."

"I… I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be." He assured me. "I was just so worried that you hated me. I didn't really mean to do that… it just sort of happened."

"It's ok. It's not like I… didn't enjoy it." I admitted quietly.

A wicked grin spread across Sirius's face. "Really?"

"Well…" I blushed. "Yeah…"

"Because I enjoyed it too." He said a little quieter.

I avoided eye contact. What was he getting at here?

"And… now that both our feelings are, you know, all out in the open and everything… maybe we could do it again?" He was so quiet I had to strain to hear him. Did he mean what I thought he meant?

"Oh… I-"

"I mean, only if you want to. I just though… well… you obviously enjoyed it," the wicked grin was back. "And I… I really liked doing it to you…"

"Well…"

"Just think about it." He told me.

"I'm not gay." I stated.

Sirius laughed. "I got that, James."

"I just mean-"

"No," Sirius interrupted. "I know what you mean. And I get it. But… well I mean it's not a lot different than masturbation, right? I just… it's kind of a win win for both of us. I get to fulfil that awful dirty fantasy of mine and get to touch you while you get a fantastic orgasm."

"You think a lot of yourself don't you," I mumbled.

Sirius laughed again. "I don't want this to create some kind of wedge between us James. I love you, but I can, you know, look past that and whatever. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you. But on the other hand, I really like touching your cock and I'm pretty sure you like having your cock touched."

My cheeks burned red.

"It's just kinda like… why not? Right?"

I nodded slowly. I mean, he had a good point. Now that I have figured out my sexuality and I know he knows where we stand… what was wrong with it? People were fuck buddies and whatever all the time. This wasn't much different. No one was getting hurt and we were both getting something out of it. Seemed like a pretty good deal, right? Right.

"Ok." I said quietly.

"Yeah?" Sirius's face lit up.

I nodded and grinned shyly at him.

He moved cautiously a little closer to me.

"Now?" I blurted out in shock.

Sirius shrugged. "Why not?" He whispered as his hand found the buttons on my jeans.

Within milliseconds my cock was throbbing for him.


	9. Chapter 9: Sirius

Maybe we weren't doing the right thing. I had no idea and frankly I hardly cared. I was getting what I wanted, James was getting a pretty good end of the stick as well, and we were both happy with where we were. Right? Right.

Wrong.

I liked where we were. I really did. I told myself that everyday and most days I believed it.

But deep down I knew I was unhappy. I was doing this because it was the closest I could get to James without freaking him out. I loved that boy and he would never understand how much. But this… it felt good. I liked it. He liked it. It solved the weirdness in our relationship somehow. It just… worked.

We spent almost every weekend together, usually in the room of requirement. Sometimes we would watch movies, sometimes we would play games and sometimes we would just hang out and talk. It often ended with a hand job for James and it wasn't long before we were experimenting with oral sex as well.

It was all very one sided, but I had to remind myself that James wasn't interested in me like that.

He had flat out told me once that he found penis's kind of repulsive. He didn't like the idea of touching other guys' parts.

I laughed it off at the time, but it did sort of hurt. Deep down I still thought something might come of this in some way? I don't know it was all silly. In a way though, in a twisted, messed up way, James and I started to act like we were in a relationship. We did everything together, went everywhere together. We hung out during all our free time. We even did our homework together. I was able to talk about almost anything with him and I think he felt the same way.

The only thing I hid from him was my ever growing undying love for him.

That's all. Nothing big.

It was just after Christmas when I addressed the idea of kissing.

"What? No. I don't think I feel comfortable with that…" James squirmed.

"Oh. Ok no big deal. I just thought since we have been-"

"No, I get it. But kissing somehow feels more… I don't know. More personal."

"More personal than sex?" I joked.

"We aren't having sex, Sirius." James looked very serious.

"I know. It was just a joke. I'm sorry. I know it isn't really sex."

"No. It's not. It's not sex at all. That just makes it weird. Don't put weird labels on it like that…"

"Sorry. Just forget about it. Hey do you want to watch a movie tonight? Or do you want to head out to the Three Broomsticks and-"

"No, let's just watch a movie."

We sat on the floor on a big fluffy mattress as the projector screen in the room of requirement warmed up.

"I didn't mean to snap like that." James apologized, cuddling into me like he usually does.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean about the… the kissing thing. I just feel like my first kiss should be something special… you know? That sounds really stupid and ga- dumb." He changed his word mid sentence.

"No, I get it." I whispered even though I didn't. Why was it ok to have someone blow you but not ok to kiss them?

"Thanks, Siri." James pulled my arm up and curled into my side. "I'm so glad you're so understanding."

I held him tightly and tried not to think about it.


	10. Chapter 10: James

Ok maybe I am an awful person who is just using my best friend. I like the way it feels when he touches me. I like the way it feels when he cuddles me. But I could never actually be with a man, you know? That's just weird. I'm straight. I want to marry a girl and have kids. I want…

But what did I want? Really want?

I don't know why I won't let Sirius kiss me. Everything we are doing right now is just so one sided, it kind of just let's me forget about the fact that it is with a boy. I don't know it's hard to explain.

But I was kind of curious, you know? What would it be like to kiss him? I had had his mouth on my cock but not on my lips… it kind of felt wrong you know? Maybe I should talk to him about it again.

"I changed my mind." I told Sirius as I snuck up behind him after Study hall.

"Jesus James you scared me." He jumped.

I laughed. "Sowwwry."

He smiled at me and almost took my hand but I puled away. God if it got out that Sirius and I were… well, whatever we are doing. What would people think? Everyone would think I was gay. I'm not gay.

"I changed my mind about kissing." I whispered to him.

Sirius's eyes widened and his mouth formed a small 'o'.

"Next weekend. Room of requirement. You up for it?"

"Uh yeah. Of course." Sirius was attempting to seem nonchalant but was failing miserably.

"Great. It's a plan then."

"Yes. Great."

I smiled and walked down towards the potions dungeon where my next class was.

Was I doing the right thing?

The weekend seemed to come quickly and before I knew it, I was sitting there in the room of requirement, Sirius beside me. We were studying for our History of Magic quiz that was next week. That had been our plan for a couple weeks now, we were getting together to study. We were sitting there on the couch opposite each other. I am sure we were both thinking the same thing, but neither of us was ready to bring it up.

He was staring at me shyly, obviously wanted me to say something.

I took a deep breath and said "Well if you're not going to do it…" I placed one hand on his cheek and my lips met with his.

My stomach did a quick flip flop. I mean, it was my first kiss.

His lips were worm and drier than I expected.

"Wow…" he whispered as his lips parted from mine. His eyes were still closed.

"Well?" I whispered.

"That was… I think… Wow." He finished.

I smiled. What was he thinking? Was I a good kisser? Was he disappointed?

Before I had a chance to think of anything else, his lips were on mine again. This time I let my lips part slightly and his tongue slid over my bottom lip. In one swift movement, he was on top of me, knees resting on either side of my body. His jeans looked a little… ahem… tight. But I couldn't blame him. Mine felt tight too. My heart was racing. Sirius let his hand fall from my face down to my neck and then down my shoulder to my waist. He pulled me in tight and he groaned slightly.

I pulled away. I wasn't doing this. I felt uncomfortable. My hear was racing.

What was happening?


	11. Chapter 11: Sirius

All I could think about was how much I loved that boy. Feeling his lips on mine was just the icing on the cake. Kissing him made my heart race. It made my stomach flip flop. All those stupid cliches that I rolled my eyes at merely a year ago were now happening to me. I wanted more. I wanted him to touch me. I wanted him to want me as intensely as I wanted him. Why could he do that? Why couldn't he love me?

I put on a smile to hide the tears. I couldn't let him think this was hurting me or he would never let me do it again. He would break it all off. I would never get to hold him as we slept. I would never get to cuddle up with him as we watch movies. I would never get to feel his hard cock between my fingers. I had to be strong. I had to make him think this is something I wanted and it was fine. I was fine. This was all fine.

I wanted this.

This was my idea

This was not killing me inside.

"I made something for you," James said shyly as he meant up with me in the room of requirement Friday night. It was the week before Valentine's day and I was trying to decide if I should try and do something or if that would send the wrong message. I mean of course in my mind James was basically my boyfriend, but in his mind this meant nothing and I had trouble remembering that sometimes.

"What is it?" I asked him.

He handed me a cassette tape.

"What is this?"

"I just put together a few songs that remind me of you…" James was shifting awkwardly on his feet and not making eye contact. "I mean, it's Valentine's day next week and you know how I love music… I just thought you might like this."

I smiled. He was so sweet. Why couldn't he just figure out that he was in love with me and this could all just be over? "Thank you." I pulled him in for a kiss. "Do we, uh, have plans for Valentine's day at all?"

"I don't know," He looked up at me with the cutest puppy dog eyes. "Did you make plans?"

"I didn't. But I will."

"Yay!" James smiled and kissed me again before walking towards the giant bed that now occupied the majority of the room of requirement. He grabbed my hand and pulled me after him. I followed, laughing.

He took off all his clothes before crawling in between the sheets.

"Eager much?" I laughed, crawling in next to him.

"Not at all!" He joked, pulling me on top of him for a kiss. I groaned and could already feel myself swelling. James's breathing sped up and my hands went from his face down to his chest. I loved his chest. It was perfectly defined without being too hard and body builder looking. I traced the lines on his chest and he groaned, pushing my hands down toward his already erect penis.

"Goodness, have some patience." I joked, brushing my hand teasingly across his hardness before returning to his chest.

"Can I…?" James asked quietly, tugging on the hem of my pants.

My breath caught in my throat. "Can you what?" I whispered.

He undid the button on my jeans and pulled the zipper down. In a swift movement his hand was sliding into my tight jeans. I gasped, trying not to make too much noise. I didn't want to scare him off.

But oh man it felt amazing.

"You're so big…" James murmured to himself. I could barely even hear him. His hand was on my cock. That was all I could focus on.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked him, grabbing his wrist and stopping him. If he wasn't sure, I didn't think I could handle this right now.

"Yes." He breathed, sliding his hand down my length.

I moaned and involuntarily thrust my hips into his hand. He smiled.

"I just want to make you feel like I do. I want to pleasure you. I want to make you happy."

"You do make me happy," I breathed, not wanting him to stop. "But you don't have to do this."

"I know. I want to."

The word, 'want' just made my heart melt. I wasn't sure how long I was going to last. His hand was rubbing up and down my length slowly and already I felt like I could explode.

"I want.. I want to touch you too." I breathed. I moved my hand from his waist to his erect penis. As soon as I touched him, I could feel him concentrating on me less. But that was good. Maybe if he didn't think too much about what he was doing, he wouldn't freak out. Maybe if I could just keep him occupied, I'd be able to come without him even noticing.

It didn't take long before his full attention was on his own penis. His hand was still wrapped around mine and trying to move in time with my hand on his, but he was struggling to keep up.

He screamed out in ecstasy and I felt myself explode.

It was unlike any orgasm I had ever experienced. Even the ones I had had just after getting James off, but by my own hand. It was simply amazing.

"Oh… wow." James smiled, cuddling against my chest. "That was…"

"Amazing." I breathed.

He fell asleep not long after, wrapped in my arms. I smiled and fell asleep with him.


	12. Chapter 12:James

I didn't mean to confuse him or anything. I just sort of felt like I owed him the same favour, you know? If we were doing this under the understanding that neither of us had any feelings, it felt only right to reciprocate, you know what I mean?

Plus, I will admit it. I was curious. I wanted to know what it felt like to get another boy off.

And let me tell you, it felt pretty good.

Obviously that move on my part changed our relationship quite a bit. We had changed from me simply using Sirius to get off to being actual fuck buddies.

But I felt pretty ok with that.

I think.

Thursday was Valentine's day. I was anxious to know what Sirius had planned and had trouble concentrating on my classes. When the final bell rang, I jumped up from my seat and ran off to the room of requirement where he told me to meet him.

"James! You're here already? I'm not ready for you!" Sirius laughed as I walked in on him. He was covering a small table with a dark table cloth.

"Sorry! I was just excited." I smiled at him and pulled him into a quick kiss.

"Alright, alright. Just sit down and wait patiently. Not everything is ready yet."

"Yes sir." I joked, taking a seat at the table.

The room was dark with only a few candles lighting the walls. There were a couple of doors leading from this main room, but I didn't know where they went.

Sirius laid out the setting for the table; two plates, two sets of silverware, two glasses, a candle, and a bouquet of red roses.

"It looks beautiful." I whispered to him. "What did you make?"

"I made a lovely four cheese chicken Parmesan on a bed of penne served with Caesar salad and garlic bread."

"Yum, yum." I commented.

He smiled as he pulled dinner out of the oven and served it to me. I could hear music playing in the background, but it took me a minute to realize what it was.

"Is this the tape I made for you?" I asked.

He nodded and I blushed. "I love it." He told me while he served me a plate of food.

"This looks fantastic." I told him, pulling my fork out of the wrapped napkin.

I don't know how you would define us and our relationship. Sure it was abnormal. Maybe to an outsider it would seem awful and hurtful on my part. But did that matter? Did I care? As long as Sirius was happy, I didn't care. And to me, he seemed happy. Should I let other people judge our relationship?

But were these just things I told myself? What would happen in the future if one of us got a real girlfriend/boyfriend? Would our friendship be able to survive that? Were we destroying a great friendship?

But I loved Sirius. I really did. Maybe not the same way he loves me, maybe not in the marry him and start a family with him way, but I did love him. I loved feeling loved by him. I loved cuddling with him and being with him. I loved falling asleep in his arms. I loved…

But did that matter? I could still be destroying a great friendship.

Did that matter?

After dinner Sirius cleared away the dishes and led me through a door to a different room where he had the big projector screen set up on one wall and a plush couch sitting against the far wall.

"I kind of figured you wouldn't want to, you know, go out or anything." Sirius told me. "So I figured we would just stay in. Dinner and movie. Sound ok?"

"Sounds wonderful." I told him honestly.

He smiled and led me over to the couch. He had drinks waiting on the coffee table along with a big bowl of popcorn. We cuddle up in the middle of the couch and spend the entire night just being with each other and watching old movies.

And it was perfect.


	13. Chapter 13: Sirius

The end of the school year was drawing near and it was sort of stressing me out. I didn't know what would happen to me and James over the summer. I often spend a lot of the summer with James and his family since my family is evil, but I wasn't sure what was going to happen this year. James's mother had already sent him an owl asking if there was any way he would be able to come home early. She apparently got some new job or something and really needs him to watch his younger sisters. He wrote back, politely saying he didn't think the Hogwarts Express would make a special trip just for him to skip his exams and come home early, but he would be on the train with everyone else at the end of term.

I wasn't sure if James would want me around with his sisters and everything.

I just didn't know.

Our exams seem to fly by without even having time to study in between. Somehow I managed to pass all my classes, even though I barely squeaked past potions. Our goodbye feast in the Great Hall felt bittersweet. I didn't want to go back home for the summer, but I didn't really want to do school work either.

"Come with me," I heard James whisper in my ear. I turned around and he smiled at me mischievously and ran through the Great Hall. I ran after him.

I saw him pause just outside the Great Hall, look around, and then sneak into a small broom closet. I tried not to laugh as I checked to see if anyone was around, and then followed him inside.

"What are we doing?" I whispered.

He didn't say anything. He just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a kiss.

"What's that for?" I mumbled.

"I'm going to miss you." He whispered, leaning his head on my chest.

"I'm going to miss you too," I whispered back.


	14. Chapter 14: James

It wasn't as if I wanted to spend the entire summer babysitting my four little sisters, but what choice did I have?

I would much rather spent it was Sirius, but I was afraid if he came and spent most of the summer with me, my mom would find out about our weird relationship. Plus I didn't really want that around my sisters, you know?

I missed him. More than I thought I would to be honest with you. I missed cuddling at night. I missed having him hold me and make me feel safe and loved. I missed having him around to talk to about anything.

The summer dragged so slowly with him not around…

"James…" My little sisters Kylie whined. "Why do you have to go?"

"I told you, I need to go back to school. It is important that I get smart, right?" I laughed. "Don't worry, in a couple short years you'll be going to Hogwarts too! Won't that be fun?"

"No." She pouted. "I hate when you leave. Mom makes us go to daycare with all the muggle kids and I hate them!"

"Oh Kylie it'll only be for a little while. You'll be going to school most of the time I am gone!"

"Yeah, to muggle school!" she made a face.

"Come on now. Only a few months and I'll be home for next summer!

Kylie just groaned.

I felt really bad as I gave each of my sisters a hug in turn.

"We'll miss you Jamesie!" Sara called out to me.

I smiled. "I will miss you all too."

"I think I'll miss you the most…" My mother sighed and I knew she meant she would miss my help around the house.

"Bye guys!"I called off to them as I ran through the barrier and off to the train.

I found Sirius almost immediately and he pulled me into an empty compartment and kissed me.

"Hi." I smiled, pushing him off me. "Not here… I don't want anyone to catch us…"

Sirius pouted and I gave him one last quick kiss before pushing him away from me once more.

"I missed you." He mumbled, sitting down and pulling me into the seat next to his. He tried to kiss me again but I didn't let him.

"Sirius not here!"

"Hey you guys!" Remus smiled as he opened the door to the compartment. My cheeks immediately burned. Had he seen?

"So how was your guys' summer?" He asked casually, sitting down across from me. He must not have seen.

"Boring," I told him. "Babysitting pretty much the entire time. What about you?"

"Ugh. My mom found a doctor who swore he had the ability to change me back." Remus grumbled. "He made me stay in the hospital over a month. Mostly for observation and weird tests. Then he did some strange surgery on me that I still haven't figured out and I was forced to stay another two weeks. Next full moon came and oh! Imagine! I'm still a werewolf." He rolled his eyes in disgust.

"Man that sucks. When is your mom just going to accept you for who you are?" I asked.

"Beats me. Sirius? You have an ok summer?"

"Oh yeah of course. I spent the entire summer cooped up in a house with the Black family. I just had a ball!"

I laughed and so did Remus.

"At least we're back together again." Remus smiled. "The three musketeers. The three marauders."

Not exactly what I was thinking… but close enough I suppose…

The train ride seemed slower than usual. I was anxious to get back up the Room of Requirement with Sirius. I just wanted to be able to be with him. Just him. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and want to hear all about my summer. I wanted…

What did I want?

"So… There is something I want to tell you, Remus."

I looked at Sirius with concern. What was he doing?"

"Oh?" Remus wrinkled his forehead. "What is it?"

"I… uh… hope this isn't a big deal for you or anything. It really isn't that big of a deal and I don't know why I am making such a big deal out of it. But I just wanted you to know, you know?"

"No." Remus laughed. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

What was he going to tell him?

"Remus, I uh… I'm gay."

"Yeah?" Remus smiled. "Well I appreciate you telling me that. Thanks for being honest."

Sirius smiled. I'm sure my face was almost blue before I realized I was holding my breath.

"Yeah. I didn't want to just hide it anymore, you know? I just wanted it to be out in the open between us friends."

"Yeah. Well thanks buddy. We're cool, by the way. I don't care. Doesn't change anything."

"Thanks." Sirius smiled. "I mean I don't have a crush on you or anything-"

"Ouch," Remus feigned hurt.

"Haha, you know what I mean." Sirius giggled.

"Yeah, I know. So anyone you do have a crush on?"

"Well actually…" Sirius blushed.

My eyes widened. He wasn't going to say anything, was he? He stared at him, trying to tell him with my eyes that he better not say anything. I didn't want that! I didn't want every to know about us! We weren't even a thing. Not really. Not officially!

"There is this boy in our year…"

Oh my god he is going to say something. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. No no no no! I cleared my throat loudly, but Sirius went on.

"He has black hair and bright blue eyes,"

No no no no no.

"His name is Liam Smythe. Do you know of him?"

What? What was he talking about? Who was this Liam? He had a crush on someone else? No way. It was probably a cover or something… right?

"Oh is that the kid in Ravenclaw? Cool looking kid? Always carrying a bright blue book bag?"

"Yeah! That's him!" Sirius smiled. "I don't know what it is about him but I just think he is so cute!"

This can't be happening. He is crushing on some cute boy? What happened to liking me?


	15. Chapter 15: Sirius

I don't know why I felt like telling Remus I was gay. For the longest time, just having James know was enough. Recently, though, I had been thinking about how closeted I felt. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being James' secret lover but not really. But I felt like I was just hiding so much. I didn't want to hide such a big part of me anymore. I was sick of having to tiptoe around certain subjects or pretend to be something I'm not. I'm gay. I have accepted that. It is time for other people to just accept it too.

Remus took it really well. Better than I expected. Of course I didn't also tell Remus that I was madly in love with him like I did to James.

I also wanted to tell Remus so I could tell him around Liam. I felt a little awkward bringing it up with just James but man… that boy was so adorable. I can't even explain why I think he is so adorable. I heard through gossip that he might be bisexual, but that could just be a rumour. I don't know. I won't get my hopes up anyway.

I don't know why James was so awkward when I told Remus about him. I mean sure, he probably thought at first that I was going to tell Remus about him and me, but I would never do that. I didn't know how to classify or explain our strange relationship to other people anyway. But when I told him about Liam he seemed to be really upset. Was he jealous? He can't possibly be jealous. He doesn't really love me!

When the train pulled up in front of Hogwarts, it was raining. Not just a light sprinkling either, but a full on downpour. I felt sorry for the first years that had to come across in the boats in this weather. The rest of us ducked and ran inside, trying our best to cover our heads.

The Great Hall was full of chattering students who were all excited to be back at Hogwarts with their friends. Personally, though, I just wanted the feast to be over. I wanted a chance to talk to James.

The sorting was going to take forever. I had seen the group of first years get onto the boats. There seemed to be even more of them then usual.

"Let's get out of here." I whispered to James.

"What? We can't we-"

"Come on." I smirked and snuck out through the back door of the Great Hall. I waited for James to follow and just as I knew he would, he was there in seconds.

"You're crazy." He told me.

"Nah. I am just sick of waiting." I put my hand in his and we ran up to the seventh floor.

"What are you hungry for?" I asked him with a smile.

"I have a huge craving for a big pepperoni pizza!" James laughed and we paced together in front of the Room of Requirement.

The Room of Requirement had sort of become our room. I'm not sure how many other students or even teachers knew about the room, but we had never been interrupted. We looked that door every time, just in case, but had never had any problems. Remus knows about the room of course, since he helped us create the Marauders' map, but he doesn't come in here much at all.

When we opened the door, the room was small, candle lit, and had an intimate round table in the centre of it. I led James in and locked the door. There was pizza sitting on a silver platter in the centre of the table. There was a door off to the side of the main room which I assumed led to a privet bedroom.

"Perfect." James grinned and sat down, taking a slice of pizza. With his mouth full of cheesy goodness, he asks, "So. Who is Liam?"

"Just this kid in Ravenclaw." I shrugged.

"Why didn't you tell me about him?"

"What do you want to know?"I asked him.

"I don't know. It just seems odd to me that you were hiding him from me."

I laughed. "I wasn't hiding him from you. I just think he's hot."

"And he's bi."

"Well I've heard that gossip but I don't know if it is true."

"Pretty sure I saw him with some Hufflepuff kid last year."

"Really?" I leaned in, interested. "For real?"

"Why are you so interested in this boy?"

"Why are you so concerned about my interest?"

"I don't know. He just doesn't seem right for you."

"Why? Because he's not straight?" I snapped.

James just looked down at the pizza on his plate.

"I don't understand why you are so upset. It's not like this thing between us is real. You've said so you're self. I love you James, but you can't reciprocate that. You've told me that. What am I supposed to do? Just never have a real boyfriend because my fake one doesn't like it?"

"No. Of course not. But-"

"But what, James? You get to dictate who is good enough for me? Why? Because it makes you jealous that I like someone else?"

He didn't say anything.

Was he seriously jealous?

"You're not allowed to be jealous." I whispered harshly at him. "You refuse to love me back. You're not allowed to be jealous when I have feelings for someone else."

I got up from the table.

"I'm sorry." James mumbled.

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Because you're right. Of course you're right. I don't know what came over me. This isn't real. It's just a couple friends fooling around. I like what we have, but it isn't fair of me to deny you the right to be with someone who might love you back. That is kind of selfish I guess. I don't know why I feel this way. It's just… confusing. But you're right. I don't love you. So I can't be jealous."

It just stings every time he says that. I had it coming. I said it first. But every time he tells me he doesn't love me it breaks my heart all over again. I tried not to let it show.

"Yeah. That's right." I sat back down at the table. "I'm allowed to like other people."

"Of course you are."

"Ok."

"Ok."

We ate in silence for a few minutes.

"Do you still love me?" James whispered.

I nodded slowly. "Of course I do."

James smiled. "I love you too."

"No you don't."

James' face instantly change. "I hate when you say that."

"You said not five minutes ago that you didn't love me. How can you say you do now?"

"You know what I mean. I do love you Sirius, I just can't love you the way you want me to. I can't explain it… I just don't feel… I can't…"

"I know." I interrupted.

"Then why do you always have to day 'no you don't' when I tell you I love you."

"I'm sorry." I apologized. I didn't really mean it. I couldn't tell him that I said that to re-distance myself because sometimes I felt like he might really love me and someday we might really work. Sometimes I needed that reminder that James didn't really love me. Not the way I love him.

And he never would.


	16. Chapter 16: James

I just wanted to let you guys know that I SUPER appreciate the reviews I have been getting :D

Also, glancing through to make sure I'm putting up the right chapters, the typos are driving me CRAZY. With University having started back up, I unfortunately don't have the time to edit this fan fic like it deserves, so please do me a favour and ignore the crap load of typos. I do apologize for them, but since I have quite a few chapters still written, I would love to get them up here for you guys but don't have time to edit.

Someday I WILL go back through and edit this fic. I promise. For now, you must deal with my awfulness... Love you all :D

* * *

Ugh. I hated myself for caring about Sirius' crush. It was so stupid of me. It was just as he said; I refused to love him the way he wanted and deserved but wanted to deny him of ever having a real boyfriend? What kind of friend does that?!

Seeing them together hurt me. It wasn't right. I will be the first to admit it. He would talk to this Liam during our Transfiguration lesson with the Ravenclaws. Once he even paired up with him over me. That hurt. What kind of friend does that?

I had to let it go. This was driving me crazy and it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to me, and it wasn't fair to Sirius. I had to make a choice! Did I want a real relationship with Sirius or not?

But I wasn't gay.

I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted the traditional family. I wanted to marry and have kids and work for a living while my wife could stay at home and take care of the babies. I wanted to have a wedding and get married and have all my family to attend. I wanted a life with a woman.

So why was I jealous of my best friends boyfriend?

Luckily for me, Sirius' crush didn't last all that long. Liam hooked up with a different guy the day after Sirius asked him out and he rejected him claiming he wasn't 'like that'. He also laughed and made fun of Sirius very publicly for being a 'homo'.

People like him are disgusting.

I was there for Sirius though. I held him in my arms as he sobbed.

"What is so gross about me? Why does everyone hate me!"

"No one hates you, honey." I rubbed circles on his back.

"Everyone hates me! I am never going to have a boyfriend! Everything thinks I am disgusting for being gay!"

"That isn't true. I don't think you're disgusting. Remus doesn't think you are disgusting."

"That doesn't count!" I sobbed. "Neither of you want me either!"

It was hard to continue to comfort him when he said things like that. It hurt me, it really did. I didn't want to hurt him and I wasn't sure he even knew that.

"Babe, shhh…" I held him close.

"I'll never find anyone!"

"Yes you will. You have to give it time."

He cried himself right to sleep. I stayed with him the entire night, even though it was a week day and we were in our proper beds in the boys dormitory. The curtains of his four poster were closed and since we only shared a room with a couple of other boys who had all heard about Sirius attempt at asking a boy out, I wasn't too concerned. I hoped they all realized I was just their to comfort him.

I hoped.


	17. Chapter 17: Sirius

After my humiliating attempt at asking Liam out, I swore off guys for a little while. I stopped looking for a boyfriend and just concentrated on my relationship with James, however confusing it was. I decided to just let it all go. I liked how things were with James in the moment and I was sick of always stressing about what would happen in the future when he got a girlfriend or I got a boyfriend. I was sick of worrying all the time so I just stopped. I just decided to enjoy what we had in the moment.

The days went by so quickly at Hogwarts. It felt like we had homework in every class almost every day. I spent all weekend with James and then it was back to homework again.

Life was good and normal and routine.

I liked it.

Then she happened.

It was March. The snow was finally melting on the grounds and the lake was no longer solid. Small buds of leaves were becoming visible on the trees. Small animals like squirrels and rabbits were beginning to make an appearance again. And apparently love was in the air.

"Sirius, I have something to tell you." James had a smile on his face but he looked nervous at the same time.

"What is it?" I asked, casually sitting beside him on the couch in the room of requirement.

"I think this girl in my Care of Magical Creatures class might be flirting with me."

"What!?" Strangely enough, it didn't even hit me completely at first. In the very beginning, I was nothing but happy for James.

"Yeah. I don't know for sure. I don't have a lot of experience in this area…"

I laughed.

"But she helped me with my unicorn project and then asked if I would like to sit with her in the Great Hall at lunch, so I did."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. She's really nice. Pretty too." He smiled. He looked so happy.

"Well how did lunch go?"

"Well! I think. We talked. Laughed a lot."

"That's great!" I smiled.

"Yeah? You think so?"

"Of course!" oh how oblivious I was at first!

"Her name is Lily."

"She's in Gryffindor right?"

"Yeah, she is. Red hair, gorgeous green eyes…"

"Yeah, I know who you're talking about! She is really pretty."

"I think I'm going to ask her out." James stated. "Maybe for drinks on Friday?"

"Friday?" James and I had plans for Friday. All of a sudden I realized our plans didn't were planning on what? Cuddling up in the Room of Requirement and watching a movie and then having sex afterwords? I guess if James had a girlfriend, that wasn't exactly going to work out, was it?

My heart started to break right then.

"Yeah. I figured since there is no school Saturday she would probably be up for it. She's really smart, Siri. I don't know if I'm going to be able to convince her to break the rules and sneak out to Hogsmeade… maybe I should plan something else?"

"Yeah. Maybe."

"Maybe I'll set up a dinner or something in the Room of Requirement. That might be nice, right?"

"Yeah." My heart sunk again. That was our place…

"Yeah. I think I'll do that. Thanks Sirius." James smiled and I faked a big smile along with him. "I promised Remus I would meet him in the library. He wanted me to quiz him for the Charms quiz tomorrow. I'll see ya later?"

"Yeah, sure." I made a move to give him a kiss before he left, but stopped myself. "See you later." I quickly finished and walked quickly away so he wouldn't see me cry.


	18. Chapter 18: James

I was super nervous as I walked up to Lily after Care of Magical Creatures. I wanted this to work and I was really excited about it. She looked so beautiful with her red, silky hair pulled back with a hair band. She smiled as I walked up to her and my heart fluttered a little.

"Hey," I smiled.

"Hey."

"I- uh, wanted to ask you something." I said nervously.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering if you might want to do dinner with me tomorrow night?" I spat it all out at once and wondered if she understood what I had said.

"Um, yeah. That would be nice."

"Really? Awesome. I know a place."

"Oh?" She looked suspicious.

"Don't worry. We won't even be breaking any rules!"

She laughed and I took that as a good sign. "I guess I'll trust you James Potter."

"I don't know if that is a very good idea…" I joked. "Meet me in the common room around six?"

"It's a date."

"It's a date." I agreed.

"Oh my god what should I wear?" I asked Sirius. It was five o'clock on Friday and I was freaking out.

"I don't know… your school robes?"

"What?" I yelled in outrage. "No! That would be- oh you were kidding."

Sirius raised his eye brows at me. "Wow you are tense. Maybe you should just not-"

"Do you know what happened to my black slacks?" I asked him.

"I think they are in your trunk."

"Oh." I had been looking on and around my bed, forgetting I probably hadn't worn them this year. "Thanks."

"Yeah. No problem. Listen, James I really should-"

"What do you think? This shirt?" I held up a casual blue v-neck, "or this one?" I held up a long sleeve shirt with red and black stripes.

"The first one I guess. James I have to-"

"Do you think I should try gelling my hair?" I asked him, trying to slick it back with just my hand. "Or does that look I'm trying to hard?"

"I don't know James. I have to go…"

"What? I need you here for moral support!"

"James." He stared at me not saying anything else. I realized then that he wasn't smiling. This wasn't just me having my best friend here to help me get ready for my first date. This wasn't just Sirius, my best buddy, who wanted to be here to help me and calm me down. This was Sirius, the boy who was in love with me. Who I've been leading on for over a year an a half. This must be hurting him. Why didn't I take that into account?

I didn't want to hurt Sirius.

It hurt to know I was hurting him.

How badly did I want this?

Should I not be going on this date? Should I blow Lily off? Should I-

But no. I'm straight. As much as I love Sirius, I can't throw my entire life away for him. I want a wife at some point in my life. I want to have kids and a normal life. Sirius can't give me that.

Plus I don't love him like that.

I had to do this. Even if it did hurt.

I had to.

Right?


	19. Chapter 19: Sirius

I didn't go find Remus in the library. I lied. Can you blame me? I didn't know where to go or what to do. There was no one I could talk to. Not really. I couldn't stay in the boy's dormitory with him. I couldn't just sit in the common room. I couldn't go to the library I probably would actually run into Remus there. I couldn't go to the room of requirement, that is where James was having his date.

So the only thing I could think of to do was to go hide out in the shrieking shack. What would you have done?

I took the marauders' map and snuck out of the castle. Getting to the whompping willow was easy and I didn't run into any teachers or students. I changed into a dog just outside of the castle and snuck up and pressed the knot on the tree. The whompping willow paused and I took the secret passage down to the shack.

I took my time, walking slowly through the dark tunnel. I didn't even bother using lumas. I had no where to be, nothing to do, and no reason to do it quickly.

I was being ridiculous. On the surface, I knew that. I knew this was ridiculous. I knew I shouldn't be bothered by this. I mean I didn't really have a reason to be bothered by this. I knew right from the beginning what I was getting into. I knew he didn't love me like I needed him to. I knew he never would. We had laid down all the rules before we even started. I am the one that pushed this. I am the one that wanted more than what he could give me. He did what he could, he played along, and I think he enjoyed it. What was the difference? Deep down, what made our relationship not real? Did he really have absolutely no feelings for me? Did those nights we stayed up until the sun rose talking about everything and nothing mean nothing to him? Was the comfort and love I gave him meaningless?

Of course it was. It was all a lie.

Not completely of course. Deep down, I know he does love me. Just not the way I need him to.

What does that even mean?

I couldn't even control the tears anymore. I broke down. Right there in the dark, damp tunnel deep underground, I lost it.

I sunk to my knees, overcome with emotion.

I couldn't do anything about this. He was absolutely breaking my heart, and it was my own fault. How did I let this happen? Had everything we done been a mistake?

Right now it sure feels like it was. Did I screw up our entire lives? Did I screw up our friendship? Probably. Nothing would ever be the same between us again. As it was right now I could hardly be in the same room with him a few minutes without wanting to kiss him, hold him, touch him. I needed him. I needed him in my arms. I needed him here. With me. I needed-

I needed everything.

More than he could give me.

My mind was just whirring. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop thinking of him. I couldn't stop thinking about what he was probably doing with her right now. I couldn't stop thinking about what he was thinking about.

I couldn't stop thinking that I had just ruined everything.


	20. Chapter 20: James

I slid the shirt Sirius had told me he liked over my head. Had he actually gone to the library to see Remus? Somehow I doubted it. How had I managed to hurt him so bad. My heart felt like it was breaking.

No. That couldn't be right. I just felt guilty. I felt guilty that I had hurt him so bad. This wasn't supposed to hurt me. I never had real feelings for him. I didn't. This wasn't allowed to hurt me.

I tried to push it out of my mind. It wasn't fair to Lily, the girl I had asked out and I had made plans with tonight. It wasn't fair to made her have a miserable time because I had screwed up my best friends life.

Thinking that made my eyes well up with tears.

Had I really ruined his life? I didn't know. I really didn't know.

I had to focus.

Deep breath.

"Hi," Lily walked up to me in the common room just after six o'clock. She looked stunning. She was wearing a green dress that brought out the green in her eyes and looked amazing on her.

"Oh. Wow." I whispered.

"Pardon?"

"You look amazing." I smiled.

She blushed and I hesitantly took her hand. "Shall we?"

She nodded and I led her through the portrait hole and to corridor that housed the room of requirement.

"Where are we?" She asked.

"A little secret of mine. Here, you stand here and close your eyes."

She bit her lip, looking nervous, but she did what I said.

"Alright just give me thirty seconds here. Keep your eyes closed!" I was trying to focus on what I wanted from the room, but I was having a really hard time with it. The first time I did it, I opened the door to find a scene I was familiar with, but not want I wanted at all. The room was small, dark, candle lit with a giant bed sitting squarely in the middle. I closed my eyes, swore under my breath, and tried again.

Finally I got it right. The room was painted a dark burgundy colour with soft cream carpet. A single round table sat in the middle, accompanied by two soft chairs. The table had a red table cloth on it, a single candle, and a single rose in a vase. It looked perfect; romantic, simple, and elegant. Just what I was going for. There were two places set at the table, the plates covered with those metal serving plate covers. I quickly checked to make sure there was spaghetti under there like I had wanted. There was. And it was hot. Perfect. I breathed a sigh of relief and walked back over to Lily.

"Alright, you can open your eyes," I told her, taking her hand again. "But you have to promise me you won't tell anyone about this."

"I promise." She smiled and let me lead her into the room. "Oh. Wow." Her eyes widened with excitement. "Where are we?"

"It's a secret." I told her. "But I can promise you, it isn't against the rules and we are still on school grounds."

Lily giggled. "How many people know about this?"

"Very few I believe," I told her honestly.

"This is amazing. Did you set this up?"

"I guess you could say that." I smirked. She didn't need to know the logistics.

"This is fantastic." She told me as she took a bite of her spaghetti.

"Thanks." I smiled.

And then the silence took over the table.

I didn't have anything in common with this girl. I didn't have anything to talk about with her. What? School? Boring. The fact we were both in Gryffindor? There wasn't a lot to talk about there. Oh my god the conversation is really lagging now and I'm sure she notices. I have to say something quickly. What am I going to say?

"So do you enjoy Care of magical Creatures?" Fuck.

Lily laughed slightly at the awkwardness. "I don't mind it. Not my favourite class though. I really like Charms."

"Me too." I agreed automatically. I hate charms.

Lily laughed again. "I thought you were more into Transfiguration." She cocked her head to the side.

My cheeks burned. "Yeah. I like that class too."

"What about your family?" She changed topics effortlessly. "Why don't you tell me about your family? Do you have brothers or sisters?"

"Sisters. Four of them. All younger."

"Oh wow."

"Yes, the oldest is nine and the youngest is two. My father left my mother just a couple of years ago and so I end up spending most of my summer babysitting."

"Oh I bet that is fun!"

No. Not at all. Why the hell would it be fun? But I just smiled and nodded. "What about you? Why don't you tell me about your family?"

"It's just me, my mom and dad, and my older sister Petunia."

"Lily and Petunia," I smiled. "That's cute."

Lily's smile faded. "Yeah." She looked back down at her spaghetti. "Everyone seems to think so…"

"You don't?"

"Just sick of hearing about it, that's all." A fake smile covered her face now.

"Sorry." I apologized quickly.

We sat in silence again.

I should be talking about something. Why was this so awkward? Conversation never lagged with Sirius. If it did, it never felt awkward. I could sit in silence with him and not even care. What is with this girl? Why does she just make me feel so awkward!

"Thanks for a lovely dinner." Lily told me politely as I cleared away our plates.

"Oh, you are very welcome."

"We should do it again sometime." She grinned and took my hand.

"Uh yeah. Of course." I tried to smile back at her.

"Well. Goodnight." She smiled again.

Was she expecting something from me? "Night." I didn't move. She didn't move.

Suddenly she was leaning in towards me. Her lips met mine and my stomach churned. This just wasn't right! She tasted wrong. She felt wrong. Everything about this was wrong.

I missed him.


	21. Chapter 21: Sirius

I sat in the dark passageway for what felt like forever. When I finally gained control of my emotions again, I stood up and made my way to the shack. When I got there, I collapsed on the couch. I wished I could find the energy to go to the Three Broomsticks or something. I needed a drink.

I didn't have that energy. Crying takes a lot out of you. Emotion takes a lot of energy. I just felt so exhausted. I felt like I didn't even have the energy to cry anymore. I wrapped a throw blanket that had been sitting on the couch around my shoulders. I sat with my back to the arm of the couch, wrapped up tightly, my knees to my chest. I rested my head on my knees.

My entire body just felt like it couldn't move.I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel. I just sat there in silence.

Is this what heart break feels like?

Yes. I felt heartbroken. But there was so much more to it than that. This heartbreak was my own fault. Somehow, that was worse. I brought this on myself. I knew the consequences. I knew this was coming. I should have ended it earlier. I should have never started it, really. What was I thinking? How could I have ever thought this would end in anything but pain?

I have no idea how long I sat there. Eventually, I realized the room was getting bright and I realized it must be morning. I wondered briefly how James' date went. Then my mind shut down the idea. It wad too painful to even consider.

I couldn't sit here any longer. I needed… something. I didn't even know what I needed. Was I thirsty? No… that wasn't it. Was I hungry? Didn't feel like it.

I needed him.

The tears started all over again.


	22. Chapter 22: James

I had to find him.

I didn't know what I was thinking when I asked Lily out.

Did I really think I needed a woman in my life? Seriously? All I needed was him and I should have known it from the moment he told me he loved me.

He meant everything to me. He really did. How could I even consider hurting him like I did. How could I have put him through what I had put him through?

I loved him, damn it!

Society be damned!

I had to find him.

"I haven't seen him since yesterday," Remus told me. "Since like… Potions class… come to think of it, I don't think he even came to bed last night."

"Damn it Remus I need to find him!"

"I'm sorry, James. Have you checked the map?"

"I can't find it. He must have took it."

"Well then he probably snuck out. Did you check the shack? What is going on anyway? Why is Sirius not here? Why are you so desperate to find him?" I couldn't blame him for getting suspicious.

"I can't tell you. Not right now."

"Why not?"

"Remus, just… trust me on this one, ok? I need to find him. It is extremely important. If everything goes my way… well I hope I will be telling you what all has been going on very soon. But I honestly don't know if… just… if you see him-?"

"Yeah. Of course." His eyes were narrowed with concern. "You'd tell me if it was something serious, right?"

"Yeah, yeah." I told him as I ran off to the whompping willow. I had to check the shack. If he wasn't there, I would look through all of Hogsmeade. He had to be somewhere. I had to find him.


	23. Chapter 23: Sirius

I had gone to the Three Broomsticks but they were closed. I should have known that a pub wouldn't be open first thing in the morning, but I wasn't thinking clearly.

There were too many people in Hogsmeade. I was feeling so crowded. I couldn't go back to the school yet. I couldn't risk running into him. I resisted the urge to stare at the map all night and find out where he was and what he was doing by stuffing it under the couch cushion. I now wished I had it with me. I wanted to know if he was still with her. I wanted to know if… what? If he noticed I wasn't there last night? If he was looking for me? It was ridiculous to even think.

I headed back to the shack. I didn't know where else to go. I didn't know what else to do. The shack felt like a safe space. Somewhere everyone would just leave me alone.

I jumped over the fence and just hoped no one saw me. I wasn't even paying attention anymore. I didn't even care. I slipped into the shack and collapsed back on the couch. I hadn't realized he was there. Standing in the tunnel entrance. Just… standing there.

I felt disgusting. I had completely fallen apart and it was my own fault and-

And he had come looking for me.

My heart leapt.

"Sirius, I think we need to talk. Like, talk talk. Potentially life changing talk…" He was rambling. He was ringing his hands and not making eye contact.

"What's going on?" I croaked. My throat was dry and felt swollen.

"I want you to hear me out, ok? Just… think about what I say before you say anything. Just-"

"Ok, ok. I will. I promise. Just… tell me." I but in.

James smiled a little at the irony of my response. "Ok. I just…" he slowly made his way over to the couch and sat down next to me.

I felt so nervous. My entire chest was tensed up. Who was I kidding, my entire body was tensed up.

For some strange reason, I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say.

But I couldn't let myself believe that. If that wasn't what he said, that would crush me. I couldn't even consider the possibility.

"Ok. So. I went on my date with Lily…"

I winced. This wasn't starting good.

"Sirius. I think I am in love with you."

I didn't say anything.

"What do you… think of that?" James asked quietly.

"James… you've been telling me for almost two years now that you don't love me that way. I can't just changed my mind in a second. Neither can you."

"It wasn't in a second!" he tried to defend himself.

"You went on one date with a girl. How do you know that she just wasn't the girl for you? Maybe you just need a different girl maybe-"

But he stopped me by pressing his lips against mine. My stomach flipped. I just wanted this. Him. Forever.

But I pushed him off and away from me.

"Sirius what-"

"You can't do this to me James!" I shouted. "You can't play with my emotions like that! I have spent the entire night crying about you! I fucking love you James! You can't just keep going back and forth like this! You have to make up your fucking mind!"

"But Sirius, I-" His voice was quiet.

"No. Listen to me. You have to be one hundred fucking percent sure before I can even consider giving this a chance, do you understand? I can't get my fucking hopes up just to have you fall in love with some girl. I can't. I can't do it! I'm not strong enough!" I could feel myself breaking down now. "I need you to be sure. I need-"

He pressed his lips against mine again. My heart melted. I couldn't reject him. I couldn't resist him… No! I pushed him away again.

"James! I'm not fucking kidding!"

"Sirius neither am I!" He shouted back. "I love you! I know I love you! I don't know why I was so stupid before, ok? I don't know what I was thinking. I thought… I don't know what I thought! Going out with Lily was awkward and uncomfortable-"

"They say all first dates are." I pointed out.

"Sirius, she kissed me."

My mouth fell open. I hadn't even considered the idea of them kissing on a first date! "What?"

"She kissed me. And I hated it. I didn't feel anything for her. I didn't feel anything at all! When I kiss you… well I just proved to myself right there." He gestured from his lips to mine. "I proved that you make me feel something, Sirius. You make me feel… you make me feel loved. You make me feel excited. You make me feel wanted and useful and… everything. I love kissing you. I love being with you. I love spending time with you. I love you god damn it! You have to believe me! You just have to!" He was crying now to and his voice was getting louder and higher as if in panic. He sobbed and I instinctively wrapped my arms around him. "I fucking love you." He sobbed into my shoulder. "I just love you so much!"

"I love you too." I immediately said back. It was the truth. I did.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you," He sobbed.

"It wasn't your fault." I mumbled back.

"Yes it was. I should have just known from the beginning-"

"It was thrown on you, you hadn't even considered it, you couldn't have known."

"I still should have none. I love you so fucking much."

"I know." I squeezed him tight. "I know."

And somehow… I felt like I did know.

Or at least I had to give him a chance. I loved him more than life itself. I had to let him show me he could love me to. I had to let this be real.

Even if I did get hurt again. I had to try.


End file.
